A Guide to Understanding Bare Minimum in Relationships

When one partner puts in the bare minimum in relationships, there are negative effects for everyone involved. In fact, there are both practical and emotional repercussions to a one-sided relationship, and the stress of unequal emotional investment can lead to resentment, conflict, and ultimately separation.

The thing is, not everyone knows how to identify the signs of disconnect in their partner. Or, even if they do recognize that something is off, they may not be able to describe why they’re unhappy with the dynamic. That’s why, in this article, we’re going to cover the tell-tale signs that a partner is doing the bare minimum as well as the potential effects of emotional neglect. And we’ll talk about what you can do to create a more equal, enthusiastic connection.

Why is it called the bare minimum?

Before we get into the signs of bare minimum in relationships, it can be helpful to think about why it’s called the “bare minimum.” After all, you may look at some of these signs and think, “Why would anyone want to be in a relationship like that?”

But the thing is, these partners will often do just enough to create a sense of complacency and safety within the relationship. They typically don’t engage in cheating, they’re not abusive, and they may show occasional signs of kindness or affection. It is one step above being a truly terrible partner, but it’s a step that allows them to maintain their role without too much criticism. This pattern of behavior is often referred to as “breadcrumbing,” or the act of leaving small morsels of affection and care to keep the other person in the relationship.

Indeed, many people stay in these kinds of dynamics because it’s familiar or they have accepted the bare minimum as normal. But as we’ll discuss in further detail, there are emotional and logistical drawbacks to being with a partner who is not contributing equally to the relationship.

Now, let’s dive into what these relationships can look like.

Signs of the bare minimum in relationships

Maybe you’ve noticed that your partner is not as enthusiastic about things as you are, and you chalk it up to differences in personality or maybe gender. So, how can you identify a behavior as simply a difference in character as opposed to an example of emotional neglect? Here are a few signs:

They only talk to you when it’s practical

At the beginning of the relationship, this person may have put in some effort to get to know you and keep the conversation going. But as time goes on, they only speak or contact you when it’s necessary. For example, they might ask you what time you’re coming home or what you want to have for dinner. They even ask how your day was, but only because it’s become part of the routine, not because they are actually interested in the answer.

They don’t ask follow-up questions

Good conversation requires a back-and-forth between two engaged participants. And, if you’re finding that you’re always carrying the conversation or that the conversation dries up as soon as you stop talking, it’s not your fault. Your partner is likely not asking follow-up questions that are necessary to keep the momentum going.

They don’t remember important dates, like birthdays or anniversaries

A partner who is doing the bare minimum may remember highly publicized holidays like Valentine’s Day. But when it comes to birthdays, anniversaries, and other special dates, they may not remember or care to remember. You might find yourself dropping hints as these special occasions draw closer or even adding the dates to their calendar for them.

It feels like everything you say is “in one ear and out the other.”

In line with not remembering special dates, it’s also likely that you find yourself having to remind a checked-out partner of upcoming plans and responsibilities. In these kinds of relationships, communication breakdowns can feel like everything you say is “in one ear and out the other.” And it can look like your partner is not making eye contact when you’re talking or giving verbal affirmation that they’ve received the message. They may only half listen while scrolling on their phone or engaging in another task.

They leave date planning up to you

Relationship experts agree that continued dating is key to healthy and happy connections. But if you’re dating someone who is doing the bare minimum, the date planning is likely all up to you. At first, you might have made suggestions and waited for your partner to make the arrangements. But over time, you’ve learned that if you want to have a date at all, you’ll need to do everything from picking the place or activity to reminding your partner to show up.

They prioritize other activities or plans over you

Someone who is checked out of a relationship will not see it as a top priority in their life. So, they’ll likely put more effort and energy into their other hobbies. And this will come at the expense of the relationship or the other partner.

Now, we don’t want to say that each partner shouldn’t be able to enjoy their own individual hobbies. In fact, maintaining separate interests can be an important part of a healthy relationship. The problem is when there is a pattern of prioritizing other hobbies over the relationship or at the expense of the other person. For instance, if one partner gets very sick the night before the other is supposed to go on a long bike ride with their buddies in the morning, it would be concerning if the bike-riding partner left anyway.

They don’t invite you to do things with them

Again, it’s not unhealthy for each partner to have things that they want to do on their own or with friends. But, it can become a problem if your partner seems to never seek out your company, whether it’s to run errands, go for a walk, go grab a drink, or any other activity. If they only set aside time to be with you for a date that you planned, it could be a sign that they don’t view time spent together as relaxing or enjoyable.

They don’t make accommodations for you

Speaking of priorities, a person who is putting in the bare minimum in a relationship will often prioritize their own comfort and well-being over their partner. In doing so, they rarely make accommodations for the other person.

Let’s say, for example, that you’ve been having some pain in your knee and you and your partner are out running errands. Instead of seeking out a parking spot close to the entrance of the grocery store, or dropping you off at the entrance so that you don’t have to walk, they choose the first spot they see out of convenience. It could also look like your partner is driving recklessly, even though you get carsick, or not taking your dietary restrictions into account.

They don’t dismiss your goals, but they don’t help you either

Whether you’ve set a goal for yourself to walk 10,000 steps a day or start a business, a partner who is mostly checked out will probably not stand in your way. But neither will they go out of their way to help you accomplish your goals or encourage you in the process. At best, they’ll be neutral or supportive on the surface. But, they may also feel resentful of how your goals might impact them or make themself unavailable to support you when you actually need it.

They do most things for you out of obligation

A person who cares deeply about their partner will want to do things that bring them joy, comfort, and ease. They’ll go out of their way to make life easier and more enjoyable for their partner, whether that means offering practical help or emotional support.

But someone who is doing the bare minimum to keep a relationship going will treat everything they do for the other person as an obligation. They may drag their feet to do something that their partner asked them to do, or complain about their partner's nagging and bothering them. They may also keep score for future arguments. These reactions are not born out of a desire to care for their partner but rather a feeling that the relationship is a chore.

They do just enough to keep the spark alive

Now, here’s the big kicker in a relationship in which one person is doing the bare minimum: there’s always just enough good to keep the spark alive. Even a partner who is mostly emotionally checked out may do a pretty good job of keeping up with chores around the house or showing up to planned dates. They may sometimes give you flowers or bring home your favorite take-out. Maybe they get along well with your family or are great company at parties.

While all of these small acts are positive, they may not stack up to the number of times they chose disengagement over engagement or their own self-interest over the relationship.

Negative effects of one partner’s emotional disconnect

Receiving the bare minimum in a relationship can lead to a variety of negative outcomes, including:

Loneliness

One of the major benefits of being in a healthy relationship is a feeling of connection and care. In fact, the release of oxytocin that happens when two partners care for one another results in a rewiring of the brain. The result is a strong emotional bond that creates a feeling of safety.

It’s easy to see why, then, the lack of care and generosity in a relationship could have the opposite effect. Someone who is in a relationship with a partner who doesn’t extend care and kindness may feel isolated and lonely. This is especially true if, at the beginning of the relationship, there were moments of oxytocin release that have since become infrequent.

There’s another way that a breadcrumbing relationship can increase loneliness: social alienation. The person who spends more energy maintaining their relationship without the help of their partner often has less time to focus on friendships and social activities.

Low self-esteem

Unfortunately, many people on the receiving end of a partner doing the bare minimum blame themselves. They often start to see themselves as a burden to their partner and accept the behavior as a consequence of their own neediness instead of their partner’s inability to be more engaged in the relationship.

Anxiety

Anxiety is a common symptom of a one-sided relationship, as the lack of engagement and investment from their partner can lead to uncertainty about the short-term and long-term future.

For instance, in the short term, the active partner may worry about whether their partner will show up when they said they would or remember that they’ve organized a date night. And their long-term anxieties may revolve around whether their partner will ultimately end the relationship or be unfaithful.

Exhaustion

Understandably, relationships in which only one person is putting in effort often lead to burnout and exhaustion. That’s because there’s a lot of energy that the active partner needs to invest in order to keep the relationship going, from planning shared activities to carrying on conversations to managing their partner’s responsibilities to coming up with excuses for their partner’s behavior.

Furthermore, there’s an emotional strain that comes with staying in a relationship that provides only the bare minimum of care and love. The active partner may spend a substantial amount of mental energy wondering whether they should stay in the relationship or break it off. They may even have already tried multiple times to voice their unhappiness or convince their partner to put in more effort.

What to do if your partner is giving you the bare minimum

Now that we’ve talked about what the bare minimum in relationships looks like and the psychological impact, you might be wondering how to deal with a checked-out partner. Ultimately, it will be up to you, your goals, and your resources. But here are some general steps that might help you make the best decision for yourself:

Get some clarity about what’s happening in the relationship

Oftentimes, the person who is doing a lot of the work in a relationship will downplay their contributions while making excuses for their partner. They may also conflate the breadcrumbs as proof that their partner does love them and care about the relationship. This is one of the ways that couples get trapped in one-sided relationships for so long.

Instead, take a critical look at the relationship by asking yourself:

• What is your mental load in the relationship? Are you the one planning meals, vacations, and quality time?
• What is your partner’s contribution to the relationship? Be as specific as possible
• How do you feel in your relationship? You may even use a daily emotion tracker to visualize your mental state
• What needs are being met versus not being met in the relationship?

These open-ended questions will help you get a better sense of the status of your relationship. But again, because there’s a tendency to downplay the one-sidedness, it’s helpful to go through this process with the help of a mental health professional.

In new relationships, act early

If you’re in the first few weeks of a relationship and are already getting the feeling that you’re putting in more effort than they are, consider it a red flag. This may be a sign of what a more serious relationship will be like with this person, and it’s better to address the problem now than wait until you’re more emotionally invested.

You can either bring the problem up with this person and let them know that this isn’t the kind of dynamic that you’re looking for. Or, you can decide to cut off the connection and focus on finding someone who shows more interest from the start. Either way, most dating experts would not recommend that you “wait and see” how the dynamic develops.

Start focusing on your own needs and desires

Breadcrumbing is effective because it provides you with the occasional dose of dopamine and oxytocin that your brain craves. But your partner is not the only source of these feel-good chemicals. And when you start to focus on taking care of yourself and building your own support network aside from your partner, you’ll be less vulnerable to the effects of breadcrumbing.

In other words, focusing on your own health and wellness will allow you to find validation through friendships. It will help you boost your own self-confidence. It will give you less time to spend picking up the slack for a partner who is doing the bare minimum.

Stop blaming yourself

A partner who does not fully engage in a relationship but also does not end it is often dealing with their own issues. They may have abandonment fears that prevent them from committing fully or expressing their full emotions. They may have grown up in a household in which their parents’ relationship was one-sided, and they can’t envision another possibility. Or, they may be insecure and subconsciously play the role of an aloof partner who holds all the power.

In other words, they’re not emotionally distant because you are asking for too much or because you’re not good enough. It’s because they haven’t faced their own shortcomings, fears, or harmful beliefs before entering into a relationship.

Talk to your partner about how you’re feeling

It’s possible that your partner does love and care about you, but is unaware of how their actions have been affecting you. And because no one is a mind-reader, talking about your experience is an important first step in possibly moving the relationship in a positive direction.

Here are a few tips for having a healthy, productive conversation in a one-sided relationship:

• Use “I” statements. Instead of entering into this kind of conversation with accusations, it’s more useful to talk about how their indifference has affected you. You can say things like, “I feel unappreciated when I do the majority of the date planning,” or “I feel left out when you bring home food for yourself instead of asking me.”
• Clarify your needs within the relationship. Even though it’s helpful to talk about your experience, your partner may shut down if they feel like you’re only coming to the conversation with criticism. Instead, talk about what kinds of behavior you need in a relationship. You can talk about your love language or moments in the relationship that have made you feel good and that you’d like to see more of.
• Don’t get into a competition. As we mentioned earlier, it’s possible that someone doing the bare minimum in the relationship will use the few examples of their effort to prove that they’re actually more engaged than they are. But going back and forth about how many times your partner took out the trash or complimented you is distracting from the core issue of you not feeling valued in the relationship.
• If your partner is ready for change, brainstorm ideas together. The best-case scenario when having this kind of conversation is that your partner will absorb what you’re saying, reflect on it, and show willingness to move forward in a way that works for both of you. The next steps will vary depending on each relationship, but they might include a heartfelt apology for harm done or an agreement that both partners will be responsible for planning dates. You might also agree to be more expressive or affectionate moving forward.

Suggest couples therapy

Even if the conversation about how you’re feeling goes well, it’s still a good idea to work through the reconciliation phase with a professional mental health expert. This person will be able to recognize patterns, challenge expectations and assumptions, open up communication, and track changes over time.

Know when to walk away

Ultimately, one person alone cannot change a one-sided relationship. And if you get the feeling that your partner is not interested in giving more than the bare minimum, it will be up to you to decide when enough is enough. Instead of waiting around for them to change their mind, you’ll need to ask yourself what is in your best interest so that you can start living a more fulfilling and satisfying life.

It’s time to stop accepting the bare minimum in relationships

If you’re tired of putting in more effort than your partners, you’re not asking for too much. Wanting to be in an equally enthusiastic partnership with care, empathy, and engagement is healthy. You just have to be ready to recognize and reject patterns of behavior that leave you feeling invalidated and underappreciated.

When you stop accepting the bare minimum in relationships, you’ll be amazed at how much you can improve your self-confidence and open yourself up to happier connections in the future.