The Evolution of Relationship Goals: From Casual Hookups to Mindful Connections

No matter what kind of dating style interests you, introducing conscious dating strategies into your love life can make all the difference! By taking time to consider your dating goals and fine-tuning your dating filters, you can start to enjoy more intentionality and purpose in your romantic connections.

Let’s talk about how to redefine your relationship goals for more satisfying dating experiences!

Setting dating goals

Your first step towards more intentional dating should be to get clear about what you’re looking for in your dating life! Try to get away from what others are expecting of you or what you think you should want. Instead, take time to consider what would actually make you happy. Some ideas could include:

• Exploring polyamory with people who are caring and supportive.
• Finding a life partner, with or without the intention of getting married.
• Finding a partner to have children with.
• Friends with benefits, in which your casual partners are kind and generous.
• Exploring sugar dating.

As you can see, monogamous, long-term relationships don’t have to be the only goal for intentional dating! No matter what kind of dating style you’re looking for, being more intentional about how you approach meeting new people will benefit you.

And, once you have some basic ideas of what you want your dating goals to be, you can get even more specific with what kind of partners you want to spend time with. For example, you might have goals to meet people who are:

• Considerate with your time
• Committed to their values
• Generous and thoughtful gift-givers
• Communicative and respectfully honest
• Enthusiastic about getting to know you
• Good with animals
• Playful and fun to be around
• Funny
• Emotionally mature
• Intelligent and curious

To be sure, you don’t want to get too caught up in finding partners who check all of your boxes. After all, no one is perfect. But having a short list of characteristics that are non-negotiables for you can give you a good framework for intentional dating.

Cutting ties with dating partners who don’t align with your goals

Unfortunately, making changes in your dating life can mean having to break it off with people who aren’t aligned with your goals. If you have a situationship that has been stringing you along or have a partner with whom you don’t agree on future goals, it might be time to say goodbye. After all, the emotional investment and energy you’re putting into relationships that don’t serve you are keeping you closed off from making new connections.

We would recommend that, unless there are practical reasons why you might need to remain connected to these now-exes, you go no contact. Relationship experts agree that maintaining contact after a separation can prolong the healing process and make it more difficult to meet new people.

Updating your online presence

If you meet potential partners primarily online, you’ll want to spruce up your profile to reflect your new intentional approach. Some ways that you can upgrade your profile include:

• Making your bio more specific. Time to edit out any information that is vague or not in line with your dating goals. For example, maybe you have something in your profile that says, “Looking for long-term but open to casual” because you’re worried that saying you want something long-term will come off as needy or overbearing. But remember that intentional dating is about clearly stating what you want, not opening yourself up to maybes and potential. Simply put, “looking for long-term” and keep the noncommittal people out of your DMs.
• Thinking about what message your photos are sending. Even though we would like for others not to make snap judgments about us, the reality is that the photos you include in your dating profile can say a lot about the kind of person you are and even what you’re looking for. Thirst traps can be empowering and great attention-grabbers. But they can also give the impression that you’re looking for a hook-up. On the other hand, including photos of your hobbies, such as hiking, can let people know that you’re looking for an adventure partner.
• Subscribing to the paid option, if possible. If it’s within your means to subscribe to a paid membership, it can boost your chances of meeting people who are also dating intentionally. Paying for your membership will also motivate you to be more active online so that you make the most of your investment.

Honing your red flag radar

Now that you’ve taken on an intentional dating lens and updated your online presence, you’ll want to make sure that you’re able to filter out potential partners who don’t align with your dating goals. Here are a few questions to keep in mind while you start chatting with or dating new people:

• How does this person make me feel on a physical level? For example, do I feel uneasy around them? Do I find myself walking on eggshells so as not to upset them?
• Does this person align with what I want in a partner?
• Are there things about this person that I find myself making excuses for?
• Does this person have characteristics or behaviors that I feel embarrassed to tell my friends?
• Has this person lied to me, or have I seen them lying to other people?
• Do I feel seen, considered, and valued when I talk to them?
• Do I feel secure and calm when the date is over, or am I constantly overanalyzing our conversations?

To be sure, you can have a list of specific red flags in your pocket that will make intentional dating easier. But, in general, these questions are helpful because they give you a chance to check in with your intuitive experience. In other words, if the vibes are off, it’s time to let this one go.

Letting the facade fall on first dates

Another way to make dating feel more authentic and intentional is by letting go of the idea that you need to perform when getting to know someone. And, if you have fallen into the habit of putting on a show for a date, don’t be hard on yourself! It’s entirely normal to want to present the best version of yourself and try to wow the other person.

But, intentional dating suggests that you’re better off showing up without the need to please your date. If there’s an awkward silence, for instance, don’t rush to fill it. Don’t say something because you think it’s what the other person wants to hear. And if they tell you their favorite movie and your first instinct is to nod enthusiastically even though you’ve never seen it (or worse, you did see it and hated it), well, be brave enough to admit the truth.

Overall, when you worry about whether your date is having a good time, you miss the most important part: having a good time yourself. Instead, focusing on your own experience (without forgetting basic manners, of course) will make it easier to be intentional about who you’ll allow to have a second date.

Considering holding off on intimacy

Some relationship experts recommend waiting to have a physical encounter with a new partner until you’ve established an emotional connection and know that they’re aligned with you on your dating goals. The reasoning behind this is that intimacy can affect our brain chemistry in ways that make it more difficult to make rational, level-headed decisions. If you’re someone who tends to get carried away and overlook red flags in the whirlwind of a new relationship, holding off on intimacy can be a way to pump the brakes and give yourself time to see the connection clearly.

That being said, waiting for physical intimacy isn’t a universal recommendation! In fact, plenty of people think that exploring this part of your connection is an important way to get to know someone. The key is being able to do so without losing your ability to observe the relationship realistically.

Setting realistic expectations

One thing to clear up about intentional dating is that it’s not about setting the bar so high that no partner can ever live up to your expectations. In fact, being more intentional with your dating practices means becoming more realistic about what is achievable and accessible for your dating life. This way, you can feel more satisfied when you meet someone who is compatible and aligned with your dating goals.

Some reasonable expectations for dating can include:

• Getting to know different perspectives and lifestyles.
• Opening up your mind to new kinds of dating or relationship styles.
• Exploring your sexual preferences and likes.
• Expanding your social circle.
• Becoming more comfortable meeting new people.
• Enjoying time with someone with whom you have good chemistry.

The idea, here, is to set expectations that are likely to be met on many dates that you go on. This takes the pressure off finding your Mr. or Mrs. Right and allows you to enjoy the present moment. From there, you’ll find that deeper connections can grow naturally and without rushing.

On the other hand, some unreasonable expectations for dating can include:

• Wanting to meet your future spouse within a set period of time.
• Looking for a partner who makes a specific income.
• Falling in love at first sight.
• Living out a rom-com romance.

Romanticizing your non-romantic life

Given that this article is about taking steps to be more intentional with your dating life, it may seem odd that we’re giving you advice to, well, stop focusing on your dating life. But romanticizing your life outside of romance can actually have a huge impact on how you approach intentional dating. And the reasons are two-fold:

On the one hand, it will boost your confidence. When you feel good about yourself as a result of making better decisions for your health or your savings, or your relationships with friends, that will make you a more attractive partner. Of course, that’s not to say that your life needs to be perfect in order to find love! Instead, what we mean is that finding ways to give off good energy into the world is also an intentional process. And the result will be that you’ll be more likely to connect with people who find your confidence attractive.

The second benefit to romanticizing your non-romantic life is that it will take away some of the pressure that you may be consciously or unconsciously putting on dating. If you’ve ever thought that finding the right partner would “fix your life” or that you feel incomplete if you’re not in a relationship (or even a situationship), shifting your focus away from dating can help you adjust your perspective. In other words, the more you learn to enjoy your life apart from dating, the more you’ll be able to approach dating with emotional stability, logic, and ease.

So, how can you suddenly stop spending all your mental energy on your romantic goals? Here are a few ways to make dating just one part—and not the most important part—of your life:

• Reinvest in your friends and family. Having a strong support system is a huge asset to intentional dating. These are going to be the people who can help you talk through dates with potential partners and even spot red flags that you might not see yourself. They’ll also be there to help you through the ups and downs of dating, which may become even more frequent as you get comfortable saying no to connections that don’t align with your dating goals.
• Build your community. Don’t feel like you have the kind of friend and family support that you’d like? Instead of doubling your efforts in the romance department, try building out a separate community instead. This might look like making friends through the gym or volunteering.
• Explore hobbies.
• Plan date nights with yourself.
• Start a gratitude journal.
• Make your home a place that you enjoy. Learning how to enjoy your own company is a huge asset to becoming a more intentional dater!

Now, we’re not saying that you need to completely forget about dating in order to focus on yourself. But finding the right balance between your non-dating life and your dating life can be a good way to avoid putting all your eggs in the same basket.

Being honest about your intentions

One of the most uncomfortable, but important, parts of intentional dating is making your intentions known. What we mean by this is that it’s not enough to simply start dating more intentionally. You’ll also have to tell potential partners what your intentions and expectations are.

Now, we don’t suggest that you tell someone on a first date, “Listen, I’m intentionally looking for a life-long partner, and I think you have potential for X reasons.” Unless, that is, you have amazing rapport and the conversation goes there naturally.

Instead, give each new connection some time to develop, but be ready to have a clarifying conversation when you feel things starting to progress to the next step. This is your time to say something like,

“I’ve been enjoying our time together, and I just want to make sure that we’re on the same page before this gets more serious. As I mentioned on my dating profile, I’m looking for a long-term partner/polyamorous relationship/sugar daddy/etc. And, we don’t have to put a label on this right now, but I wanted to double-check that you’re looking for the same thing.”

In this way, you’re able to reiterate what your intentions are and allow the person to intentionally opt in or opt out of a relationship with you. There’s no denying that this is a scary conversation to have. After all, they could decide that they don’t want the same kind of relationship as you do. But by clarifying things at this juncture, you’ll save yourself a lot of hurt feelings and wasted time in the long run.

Are you ready for conscious dating?

In this article, we’ve talked about how to change your dating habits to be more intentional, authentic, and true to your goals and preferences. So, do you think you’ll start implementing these tips into your romantic connections to start enjoying a more conscious dating life?