The Psychology of Attraction: Why We're Drawn to Certain People (Beyond Looks)
It’s time to tackle a big theme in the sugaring world: the psychology of attraction, sugar dating edition!
How does attraction play a role in sugaring? Is there more than physical appeal? And how can you maintain a spark with someone over time?
In this article, we’re going to take a deep dive into the psychology behind this phenomenon so that you can enjoy more engaging and exciting sugar relationships!
What is attraction?
The most basic definition of attraction is a feeling of desire for closeness with another person. This can manifest as a strong interest in getting to know more about someone on a personal level or wanting to engage in a sexual encounter with them. Or it can look like simply wanting to be around the person you’re attracted to, like a magnetic pull.
On a neurological level, the science behind attraction is fascinating! This phenomenon can develop almost instantaneously (giving us the age-old “love at first sight” feeling) as the result of a flood of chemicals in the brain. Among these chemicals are dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin—neurotransmitters that are all related to feelings like desire, arousal, joy, euphoria, and motivation.
And it’s not just an emotional response, but also a physical one! What we’re experiencing when we get that first brain shot of attraction is a sympathetic nervous response. When this region of the brain is activated, it sends signals throughout the rest of the body to quicken your heart rate, engage the muscles, and heighten your senses. Put simply, attraction triggers a fight-flight-freeze response.
This can be why, when you see your crush, you might immediately feel unable to move or speak.
Is attraction purely physical?
Now that we know what attraction does to our brains, the next question is: what triggers it? Well, the most obvious one that you might have already guessed is sex appeal. Someone whom we deem as beautiful or handsome might jumpstart that sympathetic nerve response.
But, it’s not all about good looks! Scientists have identified many different types of attraction that go beyond the physical. These can include:
Emotional Attraction
It is absolutely possible to be attracted to someone’s personality, whether because they show a sense of humor that appeals to you or you enjoy the way that they interact with others. Shared values, spirituality, whether someone is extroverted or shy, and many other personality traits can come into play with emotional attraction.
Intellectual Attraction
You might have heard the pop culture term for this one: sapiosexual. This form of attraction is based on being drawn in by someone’s intelligence, quick wit, or thoughtfulness.
Interestingly, intellectual attraction does have a limit! If someone’s IQ is too high, studies show that their level of intelligence tends to be a turn-off even to sapiosexuals.
Aesthetic Attraction
Aesthetic attraction is rooted in an interest in someone’s outer appearance. This may not necessarily be connected to a desire for sexual connection, but rather an appreciation for someone’s sense of style, physical stature, hairstyle, makeup, or other features. Some people consider this to be a type of physical attraction, while others categorize it separately.
Romantic Attraction
Romantic attraction, similar to emotional attraction, is based on a desire to connect with someone based on qualities that could be appealing in a romantic partner. These qualities might look like thoughtfulness, playfulness, competence, good organizational skills, sensitivity, or a range of different traits.
Attraction to Authority
This form of attraction isn’t discussed widely, but it is certainly a psychological phenomenon! In certain situations, this can be a harmless form of attraction. After all, many people find themselves attracted to celebrities, wealthy individuals, CEOs, and politicians, in part, because of their confidence and ease in leadership roles.
In other cases, for example, being overly interested in a boss, teacher, therapist, or other inappropriate match could be a dangerous form of attraction. We’ll talk more in a moment about some of the personal reasons why this form of attraction may arise.
As you can probably guess, there’s usually more than one type of attraction at play
Even though we can talk about attraction triggers separately, the truth is, chemistry between two people is often based on more than one kind of connection. For instance, you might first be attracted to someone’s looks only to have that attraction intensified when you find out they’re also very funny. Or, you might be mildly attracted to someone you work with, but then find that watching them perform well during a presentation sends your crush into overdrive.
What personal factors can affect attraction?
As we’ve mentioned, attraction is a deeply personal experience and can vary widely between individuals. And we’re not just talking about slight differences, here. In fact, what is attractive to one person can actually be very off-putting to another. So, what are some of the ways that our sense of attraction is shaped?
Culture
We have all grown up in cultures in which beauty standards have been clearly defined. And it makes sense that we are partly influenced by what we’ve been told is attractive through movies, shows, magazines, and advertisements. Interestingly, these beauty standards are not fixed—they’ve changed various times throughout history, suggesting that there is no set list of characteristics that humans find to be inherently attractive.
Our social circles
Who we spend time with growing up also has a big impact on who we find attractive. After all, childhood friends have a huge influence on the way that our brains develop neural pathways. And friends at this age can expose one another to new forms of thinking, including who is deemed by that social circle to be attractive and who isn’t. Indeed, countless movies have depicted the storyline of a teen breaking social rules by expressing attraction for someone the rest of the school has already written off as unattractive. These movies do a good job of showing the influence that peers can have on someone as they start developing their own sense of attraction.
Early childhood experiences
Within the field of psychology, there are various schools of thought around how early childhood experiences might impact attraction in adulthood. Freud is perhaps the most famous example of this, with his well-known theory, the Oedipus Complex, which theorized that we are born with an attraction for the parent of the opposite sex and an innate aversion to the parent of the same sex. From his perspective, every relationship we pursue throughout life is based on this formative dynamic.
His theories, of course, have been challenged as the field has formulated different ideas about how attraction develops. The more modern attachment style theory, for example, suggests that who we are attracted to in adulthood may be closely related to how secure or insecure our relationships were with caregivers as children. For example, people who grew up with distant or absent caregivers may gravitate towards partners who are more doting and tuned-in, as it fulfills a need that wasn’t met for them during childhood.
Trauma
The interplay between previous traumatic experiences and attraction is also a rich area of psychological study. An individual who has undergone trauma during childhood, for example, may show signs of unhealthy attraction in adulthood, such as being drawn to abusers, emotionally unavailable partners, or chaotic or taboo relationships. In the real world, this might look like someone being attracted exclusively to people already in committed monogamous relationships or people with a history of abuse, mental health issues, or addiction.
There are a few theories around this tendency to repeat the former trauma. On the one hand, mental health professionals suggest that repeating old cycles could be a way for the subconscious to try healing old wounds or create new versions that are more positive. On the other hand, it’s possible that we humans tend to be attracted to what is familiar, rather than what is healthy and satisfying.
Personal preferences
At the end of the day, the special sauce that is a person’s sense of attraction is difficult to pin down. You can see that there are many different factors influencing attraction, from culture to family dynamics to plain-and-simple personal preference. Still, if you’re curious about how you might have developed your unique attraction metrics, it’s worth considering how these different possible sources might have shaped who appeals to you as an adult.
What are the downsides of attraction?
Attraction can be a powerful feeling that gives us the sensation of being on top of the world! But, there are some reasons why we might want to keep attraction in perspective:
Attraction can blind us
Remember back to what we said about attraction catapulting us into neural euphoria? Well, as good as that state can feel in the moment, there’s something important that we give up when our brains are busy producing dopamine and norepinephrine: logical reasoning!
In order for our brains to be able to make thoughtful and rational decisions, we need to be in a state of calm and safety. It’s for this reason that early attraction can make us vulnerable to manipulation and bad decision-making. In fact, this is in part why love bombing is such an effective technique, because it creates a heightened sense of attraction in order to take advantage of the temporary impairment in judgment.
It can affect our relationships
Because there is a biological component to attraction, it’s unreasonable for us to think that we can completely shut it off even while in a committed monogamous relationship. That being said, attraction can be a tricky thing for couples to navigate.
At the end of the day, each couple needs to define how they’ll deal with the role of attraction in the relationship. After all, when left unaddressed, attraction can lead to jealousy, resentment, frustration, and withholding. So, as a couple, you’ll need to ask: Is it okay to admit that you find other people attractive? Is flirting allowed? Would you consider opening the relationship?
It can jeopardize work
There are many different ways that attraction plays a role in our day-to-day lives, and the professional world is a good example. You might find, for instance, that it's difficult to perform your work tasks to the best of your ability when partnered with someone you’re attracted to. Or, you might notice that one person who is considered the most attractive in the office tends to get special favors and promotions that may not be justified by their work performance. And, while it may seem like a small consideration, discussions around attractiveness and opportunity have culminated in high-profile lawsuits, such as the ones lodged against major clothing brands who discriminated against “less attractive” candidates in their hiring practices.
Can you change who you’re attracted to?
One thing that we often forget about attraction is that it’s not static! One day, you might find yourself attracted to someone, and the next day realize that they’re not quite as cute as you originally thought. Long-term couples will often report that their level of attraction towards one another ebbs and flows over time. And as we age, our ideas of attractiveness also tend to shift, such as in the case of heterosexual women who become less attracted to younger men.
But, the question remains: do we have the power to change who we find attractive? The answer is, maybe. While you probably can’t drastically change your sense of attraction, you might be able to turn the dial with the following tactics:
Talk about attraction in therapy
As we mentioned, attraction may have a lot to do with previous experiences that you haven’t processed or healed from. So, if you want to break certain patterns, it could be worthwhile talking to a therapist about your attraction and relationship goals.
Challenge your limiting beliefs
Because a lot of attraction is influenced by culture and your close social network, you might ask yourself whether you agree with certain beauty standards. In other words, are you attracted to thin women or muscular men because you grew up watching movies and shows that valorized those types of bodies? What kinds of bodies might you find attractive if you hadn’t been exposed to such strict beauty standards?
Likewise, you might find that you are attracted to potential partners who don’t fit the mold of physical attractiveness but who appeal to you in different ways. Would you open yourself up to dating a shorter man/taller woman if you weren’t worried about what other people might say?
Open yourself up to new experiences
Novelty and exploration are two ways to build attraction, which is why, if you’re open to it, you might benefit from trying out new experiences! Saying yes to dates with people you previously thought were “not your type,” for instance, might leave you feeling surprised at how much you click with someone in person.
And while you don’t want to pressure yourself into forcing a connection with someone you feel no attraction to, the key is to allow yourself to explore little sparks that could develop into stronger feelings of attraction over time.
Psychology of attraction: sugar dating
We’ve covered a lot of ground in this article about the psychology of attraction. But what does all of this mean for your sugar relationships? Here are a few ways that you can attract the right partner and keep them attracted, over time:
Be as honest as possible in your sugar dating profile
Being inauthentic in your sugar dating profile is a sure way to leave a potential partner feeling deceived when they meet you in person. And this, as you can probably guess, can strip away any chance at attraction.
Don’t rush the getting-to-know-you phase
Sometimes, with sugar relationships, it can be tempting to rush through the initial courtship phase and get right past the negotiation and into the relationship. But we would recommend that you take your time in the getting-to-know-you phase. This is where you’ll be able to explore different avenues of attraction!
Don’t play hard to get
Surveys show that playing hard to get actually decreases a person’s attraction to a potential partner. So, ditch the dating games and be authentic!
Get to know what your partner is attracted to
If you’re not sure what your partner looks for in a sugar partner, ask them!
As a sugar daddy getting to know a sugar baby, ask them what qualities they’re looking for in a partner and what would make them feel excited about upcoming dates. Or, if you’re a sugar baby yourself, get to know what your sugar daddy finds attractive and exciting.
Remember, neither of you are mind-readers, and everyone is attracted to different things, so it’s entirely reasonable to ask each other what appeals to you.
Continue to date over time
Even if you’ve established that you’re attracted to one another, that doesn’t mean that your work is done! Many couples find that attraction tends to fade over time without continual effort. So, consider ways that you can surprise your partner, make them feel valued, and consider their needs and desires.
Consider opening up your sugar relationship
One of the benefits of being in a sugar relationship instead of a traditional relationship is that you don’t have to confine yourself to the strict guidelines of what your arrangement should look like. So, if you think that you or your partner might benefit from inviting a third or opening your relationship to explore other sources of attraction, talk about it!
Check in with your partner
As we mentioned, a person’s sense of attraction can change over time. So, it’s a good idea to talk to your partner about what new things they might find appealing or exciting in a relationship, even after your initial negotiation. Maybe, for instance, they’d like you to switch your perfume or cologne. Or, perhaps they’re tired of receiving the same kinds of gifts or going to the same restaurants.
To be sure, this kind of relationship maintenance can feel vulnerable, but it’s the best way to keep the spark alive over time!
Have your ideas around the psychology of attraction, sugar dating, and relationships changed?
In this article, we’ve taken a deep dive into the world of attraction! Whether you were surprised by some of the facts shared here or inspired to think differently about attracting the right partner, we hope that you feel empowered to build stronger sugar relationships as a result!