Unlocking the Secrets: What Men Want in a Woman

It’s not all about looks and first impressions; many men are attracted to what they perceive to be qualities of a good woman. From deeply held values to communication styles and unique quirks, there are certain personality traits that make men want to go beyond the getting-to-know-you phase.

In this article, we’ll talk about what qualities are attractive to men and how you can use this info to deepen your relationships.

First, a disclaimer

You might see a lot of information online about how to change yourself to become more attractive to a man, from glamming up your physical appearance to phasing out certain habits and personality traits. And it’s important to acknowledge that this kind of advice is unhelpful and potentially unhealthy. In other words, if you find yourself trying to water down your personality in order to be more palatable for a man, or you don’t stand up for yourself because you’re afraid of scaring off a man, then you’re actually not doing yourself any favors. In fact, forcing yourself to play a role that you think men are attracted to will not allow for long-term relationship-building. After all, no one can hold up a ruse for more than a few months. There’s also an emotional toll that comes with living inauthentically.

Instead, it’s much better to set goals for personal growth and strive for more genuine emotional connections with men. And, as we’ll cover in the rest of this article, the qualities that are attractive to men tend to be the ones that benefit you as well. So, let’s take a look at some of the true qualities of a good woman.

Confidence

One of the most common traits that men cite as attractive in potential partners is confidence. And remember, confidence has nothing to do with physical beauty, fashion sense, or wealth. Anyone can be confident when they learn how to be happy in their own skin.

If you don’t consider yourself to be a very confident person, don’t worry. High self-esteem is not inherent. Rather, it’s something you can build through intention and practice. Some of the areas that you might want to focus on could be:

• Getting more comfortable striking up conversations with strangers or acquaintances.
• Practicing positive self-talk and interrupting self-critical thought patterns.
• Surrounding yourself with people who are supportive and kind to you.
• Learning something new, like a style of dance or a new language.
• Working with a therapist to explore and overcome insecurities.
• Practicing saying no instead of worrying about disappointing others.

Intelligence

A lot of women think that being too intelligent is off-putting or unattractive to a man. But the reality couldn’t be farther from the truth. The fact is, a confident, emotionally mature man will love the opportunity to have deep, stimulating conversations with a thoughtful, clever woman. On the other hand, a man who is intimidated by an intelligent woman probably has his own insecurities that he needs to overcome.

Want to boost your IQ in order to attract an intelligent man? There are a few simple changes that you can make to your daily routine to engage and strengthen your analytical side:

• Replace the social media scrolling with something more productive. There are so many brain-boosting habits that you can choose to replace social media scrolling. Cognitive games like crosswords and sudoku are a great way to exercise your critical thinking skills, or you can opt to learn a new language or take up a hobby like knitting.
• Read more. No matter what genre you choose, reading more does wonders for your brain health by building vocabulary, expanding your worldview, and engaging your information-processing centers.
• Journal. Journaling is a proven method to exercise your memory retention and get your brain into the habit of cognitive processing and reflection.
• Surround yourself with people who inspire you. Spending time with people who impress you with their intelligence can have the effect of boosting your own IQ. Of course, this is only true if they’re not spending the whole time making you feel inferior. So, find some quality friends who challenge your world views and inspire you to keep learning!

Now, that being said, there is a difference between being smart and being a “smarty pants.” No one particularly likes to date someone who constantly corrects them or gives them endless lectures on whatever subject they’re knowledgeable about. So, make sure that if you are highly intelligent, you don’t invalidate everyone else’s opinion or make anyone feel less than.

Empathy

A 2012 study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that men in particular are attracted to empathy in potential partners. In other words, men tend to find qualities like compassion, listening skills, and other responsiveness measures to be appealing, especially during the initial courtship phase.

Empathy also has long-term benefits in relationship-building, as well. It’s an essential skill for deepening emotional intimacy and navigating conflict. In a study looking into the effects of empathy on romantic relationships, researchers found that men rated higher satisfaction in their relationships when they perceived their partner to be empathic.

So, what should you do if you’ve never considered yourself to be a very emotional person? As with confidence, intelligence, and many other qualities we’ll cover in this article, empathy is something that you can learn. Here’s how:

• Read fiction. Research has found that fiction in particular may boost our empathy by allowing us to see the world through the eyes of characters.
• Spend time with people with different views or backgrounds. Learning more about other people outside of your immediate social circle naturally builds empathy and compassion, as long as you’re able to stay curious and open-minded.
• Travel. Travel does a couple of things for empathy: it gives us a different perspective about the world and humbles us by taking us out of our comfort zone.
• Improve your listening skills. Active listening is a set of skills that can make it so much easier to connect with people and absorb what they’re saying.

Honesty

As it turns out, there’s scientific evidence to explain that honesty in women is an attractive quality for men. Perceived honesty, on the one hand, is linked to approachability. In other words, if you look like a trustworthy person, people are more likely to seek you out.

But this also plays out in verbal interactions, as well. Women specifically are seen to be more attractive when they’re telling the truth than when they’re lying. Additionally, their attractiveness rating went down when their experiment partner detected that they were being deceptive. In particular, behaviors like combative communication, dodging the question, or being uncooperative were perceived to be deceptive and therefore unattractive.

So, what does this mean when thinking about the qualities of a good woman that men seek out? Here are a few ways that you can boost your honesty perception:

• Maintain an open and warm demeanor in public. These were qualities associated with trustworthiness in the study, and can be easily replicated in your daily life. It can be as simple as relaxing your shoulders and the muscles in your face, looking around you instead of at your phone, and being open to having conversations with those around you.
• Don’t agree with someone just to keep the peace. Many women have been conditioned to use white lies or go along with what the people around them say in order to avoid rocking the boat. But this can actually have the opposite effect, especially if it requires you to be dishonest about your stance or perspective. Letting go of this type of people-pleasing habit can be tough, but it has many potential benefits, such as confidence-building and better communication.
• If you don’t feel comfortable answering a question, say that honestly. Participants in the study were put off by question-dodging behaviors, such as trying to change the subject or being overly vague in responses. Instead, you can create a more honest interaction by saying something like, “I appreciate your curiosity, but I don’t feel like this is the right place to talk about something so personal” or “It’s a touchy subject for me, but I’d be open to going into more depth after we’ve gotten to know each other a little bit.” This allows you to maintain a personal boundary while also creating a sense of honesty and openness.
• Make sure that your honesty is dressed in kindness. Although honesty can be an attractive quality in a partner, brutal comments or harsh criticisms are more hurtful than helpful. When you are in a position of sharing an honest statement, consider how you can communicate it in a clear but kind way.

Passion

We’re not necessarily talking about passion in a steamy sense (although a little bit of passion in the bedroom can go a long way!) Instead, passion in the context of qualities of a good woman refers to enthusiasm for life, career, hobbies, friendships, and other important areas. There are a few reasons why this might be appealing to a potential partner, including:

• An optimistic world view. Passionate people tend to be pretty optimistic. This is true even if they’re passionate about politics, environmentalism, or other seemingly uphill battles. That’s because being passionate requires a sense of hope. You need to have the belief that you can overcome challenges and reach your goals.
• An inability to be bored or boring. Passionate people have a deeply held sense of curiosity and interest, which makes them virtually immune to being bored. Part of what makes them so magnetic is that spending time with them is never boring!
• Resilience. Whether you’re passionate about skiing, bread-baking, or your local zoning committee, you’ve had to face hardships, failures, and challenges along the way. This is a highly attractive quality in a partner for both men and women!
• Clarity about purpose and belonging. Passion is linked to a sense of purpose and meaning. Passionate artists know that creating art makes the world a better place. Passionate runners always have their eye on the next race or beating their personal best. This sense of “why” is important for mental health and life satisfaction.

Now, if you don’t feel like a very passionate person, or you haven’t found your ultimate life goal, don’t panic. Finding your passion is something worthwhile, regardless of how it will affect your attractiveness to men. And, there are a few ways that you can start to live a more passion-driven life by:

• Trying out different hobbies. There’s no end to the possibilities when it comes to finding your passion. You could be passionate about writing, swimming, fashion, ancient history, wines, farming, or any number of things. The key is to follow your curiosity and make time to try the things that are interesting to you. Remember that you might have to stick with a certain hobby during the learning curve before you can enjoy mastery. But passion should be there along the way.
• Finding communities where you feel connected. Some people find that their relationships with others can be a source of passion. And that might mean volunteering in your community or spending more time with family and friends. Joining a sports team is another way to invite more passion into your life, as you’ll be surrounded by other highly motivated individuals.
• Reflecting on your relationship with work. Your career can be a powerful source of passion if you’re working in a field that fascinates and challenges you and gives you a sense of purpose. But that being said, you don’t have to be passionate about your work in order to live a life full of passion. It’s okay to recognize that your work supports you to pursue other activities that really ignite your passion.
• Talking with a mental health professional. Sometimes a lack of passion about life has to do with a chemical imbalance or unhealthy thought patterns. And working with a mental health professional can help you explore solutions to feeling unmotivated.

Emotional Regulation

To be sure, a man probably isn’t going to ask you how emotionally regulated you are on a first date. And, you might not have even really thought about whether you’re emotionally regulated or not. But the reality is, this is a personality trait that is incredibly important in romantic relationships. It’s essential for building emotional closeness, navigating conflict, and helping one another through stressful moments.

On the flip side, signs that you aren’t emotionally regulated tend to be big red flags for men. Here are a few common characteristics of people who struggle with emotional regulation:

• Mood swings. Unpredictability in mood is one of the most common signs of emotional dysregulation, and can feel like the person’s emotions are controlling them instead of being in control of their emotions.
• Impulsive actions. People who aren’t in control of their emotions may act before fully considering the consequences. This can look like saying something hurtful before thinking about the impact that their words will have on the other person, breaking objects, or having other outbursts.
• Fear of conflict. Someone who feels ashamed of their inability to control their emotions may try to avoid conflict at all costs. This can look like withdrawing, shutting down conversation, or apologizing insincerely.
• Inability to verbalize feelings. It’s difficult to manage emotions when you’re unable to identify and name them. So, emotional dysregulation is often characterized by ineffective communication and self-reflection.
• Physical manifestations of stress. Someone without a healthy outlet for their emotions may start to show physical signs of stress, such as chest pains, high blood pressure, problems sleeping, digestive issues, headaches, and more.

So, what might this look like when dating? Well, let’s consider a scenario in which you and a man you’ve been seeing go to a restaurant. When the food comes, you realize that they got your order wrong. If you find yourself flying into a blind rage and yelling at the waiter who brought your dish, your date might wonder whether a relationship with you might force him to walk on eggshells so as not to set you off.

Now, if you struggle to control your anger or mood swings, you shouldn’t feel ashamed. Emotional dysregulation often has psychological roots, either as a result of past trauma or a chemical imbalance. It can also become more prominent during times of intense stress or mental health issues. And no matter the cause of the emotional dysregulation, there are possible solutions.

Focusing on becoming more emotionally regulated isn’t just a benefit to your romantic life. It can make navigating everyday life easier and help you feel more at peace. You’ll likely see improvements in your work relationships, friendships, and family dynamics. And, of course, it will make it easier to build emotional intimacy with a partner.

Contentment

What we mean by contentment is not that you have to be 100% happy in your life in order to be attractive to a man. That’s not realistic; no one is happy all the time.

But contentedness is a general positive acceptance about where you are in life, whether that be with your group of friends, your self-esteem, your hobbies, your career, or your financial well-being. It means that you’re not looking externally for happiness, but rather that you’re able to generate it on your own, with or without a man.

This is attractive to potential partners because it means that you’re independent and self-sufficient. To be sure, a romantic partner is going to want to take care of you and maybe even pamper you. But if they’re emotionally mature themselves, they’ll be attracted to your ability to take care of yourself.

And we should also say that this doesn’t mean that men attracted to self-sufficient women never expect you to ask for help. Everyone needs to be supported from time to time, especially when life throws curveballs. But many people see a general sense of contentment and gratitude to be a green flag.

How can you know if you have an energy that radiates contentment? Here are a few signs that you’re generally pretty happy with yourself and your life:

• You want a relationship, but don’t need one.
• You don’t constantly compare your life to others.
• You focus more on what you have than what you don’t have.
• If there is something you want, you make a concrete plan to achieve it.
• You acknowledge that you have power over your circumstances.
• You ask for help when you need it.
• You feel like you can solve your own problems.
• You don’t hold onto old grudges.
• You accept the good days and bad days as temporary.

As you can see, contentment is more of a way of being than a personality trait. Which means that you can learn to be more content, which will benefit you personally while also making you a better partner.

Do you notice any through lines in the qualities of a good woman?

In this article, we’ve talked about many of the qualities that men tend to gravitate towards when looking for a romantic partner. But, you might have noticed that they all have something in common: they’re all signs of a healthy, happy life. And there’s plenty of science to back this up.

Happiness is consistently linked with attractiveness in various studies. People who are happy also tend to be healthier, and their happiness radiates to other people in their lives.

So, the next time you’re thinking about how to make yourself more attractive to a man, it might be worth going deeper than simply trying a new makeup trend or buying a new dress. As it turns out, men are most attracted to women who are happy with themselves and the world around them. And the qualities of a good woman they look for are all attainable with a little bit of effort and patience!