Considering Divorce? What Relationship Experts Recommend

The most useful thing the experts do is set the yes-or-no question aside. They ask whether you have reached real clarity and explored your options before making any decisions. A decision this large is better treated as a process with stages than a single verdict reached in one bad week. Even among people who have already filed, only about two-thirds are certain they want the divorce. Being pulled in two directions at once is an ordinary part of a hard decision.

A Better First Question

“Should I get a divorce?” sounds like it wants a yes or a no, but the people who help couples for a living rarely answer it that way. They redirect. The better question is whether you have arrived here from a steady place and genuinely tried what might change it. Taking your time does not commit you to staying. It lets you decide once, with a settled head, then stand behind that decision without relitigating it for months.

Ambivalence and the Mixed-Agenda Couple

People circling this question rarely arrive at a precise answer, and the uncertainty can last a long time. A meaningful share of people who have already started the legal process still believe the marriage could be saved or stay open to reconciliation. The relationship holds real things alongside the hard ones, which is what makes the question difficult to settle.

The two partners are usually in different places. One is leaning out, ambivalent, or already grieving the marriage, while the other is leaning in, ready to fight. Counselors call this a mixed-agenda couple. Naming the mismatch helps, since the gap between you is where any real work has to start.

The Signals Experts Watch For

When therapists assess a struggling relationship, they look less at how much a couple fights and more at how you fight and how well you recover afterward.

The Four Horsemen and Their Antidotes

John Gottman’s research named four patterns that predict a relationship coming apart once they become a couple’s normal way of talking. Criticism attacks character rather than a specific act; contempt treats a partner as beneath you; defensiveness deflects responsibility; and stonewalling shuts down and withdraws.

Of the four, experts treat contempt most seriously, the strongest single predictor of divorce and the pattern that kills the curiosity a couple needs to repair. None of this means the relationship is doomed. Each pattern has its antidote: a softer start to a complaint, taking responsibility for your part, rebuilding appreciation, and learning to take a break and come back. What tells you the most is if you can still move out of these patterns once you notice them.

Solvable Problems and Perpetual Ones

Not every recurring fight is a warning sign about the relationship. Gottman’s work found that most relationship conflict, roughly two-thirds of it, is perpetual, rooted in lasting differences in personality, values, or needs that never fully disappear. Every couple has these differences, including happy ones.

The trouble starts when conversations about a perpetual problem fall into gridlock and stop moving forward. In a healthy relationship, the discussion continues even when the problem itself remains unresolved.

The Signal of Disengagement

A relationship in real trouble usually shows the absence of drama rather than open conflict. Couples who are coming apart often describe a household that runs like a shared office. Conversations narrow to errands and the calendar; affection thins, and a growing sense takes hold that the other person no longer registers.

People often pin the moment to something small, a dinner out with nothing left to say, or the day’s news no longer getting shared. Apathy does more damage than fighting, and two people still fighting are at least both engaged. When you have stopped reaching for each other entirely, that deserves more attention than any single argument.

Questions Worth Asking Yourself

Therapists often hand people a version of the same set of questions, less to answer quickly than to sit with honestly. Their purpose is to uncover the source of your feelings about the relationship. A difficult week and a long-standing pattern can lead to very different conclusions. Consider each question carefully before deciding what it may reveal.

• Are you deciding from a settled place, or in the middle of acute hurt, anger, or crisis?
• Are you moving toward a life you genuinely want, or only away from pain and fear?
• What is your own part in what is not working, asked with curiosity and not blame?
• Can the two of you still look at each other without contempt? If not, neither staying nor leaving is yet fully possible.
• Have you tried couples therapy with both people fully present, and not a few sessions abandoned once it got hard?
• If nothing changed, could you accept this relationship for the long run, and if not, what exactly would need to be different?

Options Before a Final Decision

The choice is rarely limited to staying exactly as you are or filing. Most people stand somewhere in between. For couples where one person is leaning out of the relationship, and the other wants to keep trying, discernment counseling was designed for that space.

Developed by Dr. Bill Doherty, it typically lasts up to five sessions and helps both partners reach a confident decision about whether to work on the relationship or separate. The counselor usually meets with each person individually and together, since the partner leaning out is often not ready for traditional couples therapy.

The process leads toward one of three outcomes. Couples may decide to maintain the status quo, move toward separation, or commit to a defined period of couples therapy with separation off the table for the duration.

When both people are willing, couples therapy focuses on the relationship, while individual therapy focuses on personal patterns and needs. A therapeutic separation may help when day-to-day life makes it difficult to think clearly about the future.

Reconciliation happens more often than many people expect. At the same time, some relationships are healthier apart.

A Note on Safety

All of this assumes two people who are safe with each other. Where there is abuse, violence, or coercion, the calculus changes completely, and getting safe comes before any question about the marriage. Couples counseling is not appropriate in that situation, since sitting together can put a person at greater risk over what gets said in the room.

If this is your situation, talking with someone trained to help is the right next step. In the United States, the National Domestic Violence Hotline offers confidential support, and reaching out is a way to stay safe with no decision about the relationship attached.

Arriving at the Decision With Clarity

Whatever you choose, the goal is to make the decision deliberately rather than in the middle of a difficult period. Surveys find that some divorced people experience regret, which is one reason to slow down and understand what you truly want before deciding. Move forward with enough clarity to stand behind your choice, knowing it reflects your values rather than your fears.

Staying in a relationship marked by contempt, disengagement, or danger carries its own costs. Those realities deserve the same consideration as the consequences of leaving. The goal is to stop circling the decision and make a choice you can accept as your own.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do I know if I should get a divorce?

Experts suggest the more useful question is whether you have reached the decision from a settled place and honestly explored your options, rather than reacting in the middle of a crisis. The signals they weigh include chronic contempt, emotional disengagement, and an inability to repair after real effort.

Is it normal to feel unsure about getting a divorce?

It is normal. Ambivalence is common and can persist for a long time, even after people file. Research has found that only about two-thirds of those already in the process were certain they wanted it.

What is discernment counseling?

Developed by Dr. Bill Doherty, it is a brief format of up to five sessions for couples in which one partner is unsure about staying. The aim is to land on a confident direction before any larger commitment.

What are the Four Horsemen that predict divorce?

They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, four communication patterns identified by John Gottman that strongly predict a relationship breaking down once they become chronic.

What is the number one predictor of divorce?

In Gottman’s research, contempt, treating a partner as beneath you through mockery, sarcasm, or sneering, is the single strongest predictor of divorce.

What is the difference between solvable and perpetual problems?

Solvable problems are situational and have a workable resolution, while perpetual problems come from lasting differences in values, personality, or needs. Gottman found that most relationship conflict is perpetual, present even in happy relationships.

What questions should I ask myself before getting a divorce?

Useful ones include whether you are deciding from a calm place, whether you are moving toward something you want or only away from pain, what your own part in the problem is, and whether you have tried repair with both present.

Should we try marriage counseling before deciding to divorce?

Many experts recommend honest couples therapy first, with both partners genuinely present, partly so the decision is made with clarity. A frequent caution is that “we tried therapy” sometimes means only a few sessions before it got hard.

What are the most common reasons people get divorced?

Studies show that the most cited reasons are a loss of commitment, infidelity, ongoing conflict, and growing apart or no longer being able to talk to each other.

What are the signs a marriage is over?

Therapists focus less on escalating fights and more on withdrawal, distance, and apathy; a home that runs like an office; conversations limited to errands; and a partner who no longer registers emotionally.

Is a trial separation a good idea before divorce?

A structured, time-limited separation, planned with a therapist, can create space for a clearer decision. About a quarter of couples reconcile after a trial separation, and even those who part often report more closure.

When should you not try to save a marriage?

Experts are direct about one exception. Where there is abuse, violence, or coercion, getting safe has to come first, and joint counseling is not appropriate. Confidential support, such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline in the United States, is the right place to begin.