The Beauty of Being Vulnerable: Nurturing Emotional Intimacy in Relationships

Whether you consider yourself an open book or tend to keep your sensitive side under lock and key, there’s plenty to be said about the benefits of vulnerability in relationships. Being able to express your inner emotions can create more meaningful connections, increase life satisfaction, and even improve your health! And on the flip side, cultivating a safe environment for your partner to be vulnerable can make your relationship stronger.

In this article, we’re going to talk about the benefits of vulnerability in relationships, how to connect with your emotions, ways to be there for your partner, and more. Get ready for a deep dive into your own inner world—for the good of your relationships!

What is vulnerability in relationships?

Let’s start with a closer look at what vulnerability actually means in romantic relationships. The short definition is any risk you might take to reveal your true feelings to a partner. And this can manifest in many different ways, such as:

• Telling your partner how you feel about them or the relationship.
• Revealing parts of your past that you don’t talk to many people about.
• Making thoughtful gestures that convey how you feel about the other person.
• Having conversations about where the relationship is going or your own desires for the future.
• Talking about aspects of the current relationship that may trigger old wounds, such as jealousy or shame.
• Personal insecurities or opinions that you may worry that you’ll be judged for.
• Allowing yourself to express your true nature (i.e., your silliness, sense of humor, love of singing, personal grooming habits) in front of your partner.
• Expressing an interest in a certain hobby or goals for the future.

As you can see, vulnerability is a natural (yet extremely difficult) process of allowing the other person to see the real, unfiltered you. It requires bravery, a strong sense of self, and a willingness to risk being hurt.

Why is vulnerability so important in relationships

Most relationship experts will tell you that vulnerability is important in romantic connections, but why exactly is that the case? There are a few key ways that being vulnerable can bring you closer to your partner, including:

• Building trust. As we explained, vulnerability is a risk, and it requires us to overcome our own fears of rejection in order to open up to someone new. With each act of vulnerability, partners see the other person’s willingness to take the risk as a sign of commitment and safety. Likewise, every time the act of vulnerability is met with care, the person opening up will feel safe to continue doing so in the future.
• Being seen and understood. Vulnerability invites us to show parts of our identity and inner world that we keep mostly hidden from the world. So, being able to share things like inner thoughts, opinions, childhood memories, and more are a way to invite a partner to understand us on a deeper level.
• Improving communication. There are a couple of ways that vulnerability can help a couple communicate better. On the one hand, it’s not always easy to express deeply-held beliefs or past experiences that are so intricately connected to our sense of self. So, being vulnerable can be a practice in self-expression. On the other hand, because vulnerability can be such a nerve-wracking experience, it will be important for the receiving partner to be able to communicate their understanding and acceptance. The better they’re able to express support and validation, the stronger the bond will become.

What makes it hard to be vulnerable?

We’ve touched on the fact that vulnerability is difficult because of the risk involved in opening yourself up to another person. But what other factors make it so hard to be vulnerable? Here are a few common reasons why we may struggle in this department:

• Past experiences. Perhaps the biggest impact on a person’s ability to be vulnerable is their previous experience with opening up. This might go all the way back to childhood, when a parent, sibling, or friend at school dismissed, rejected, or even ridiculed them when they tried to share something vulnerable. Or, it could stem from a past relationship in which the other partner chastised them for showing their inner self. These examples of rejection can linger in the brain and make it more difficult to take risks in the future. Put more simply, people who have been rejected in the past are likely to have trust issues moving forward.
• Cultural expectations. As social animals, we all have an inherent desire for connection and emotional intimacy, but for some reason, many cultures around the world don’t validate that need, especially for men. Growing up, many boys are taught not to express their emotions or talk about their inner feelings and experiences. This can have a major impact on their ability to form healthy connections in adulthood. Luckily, the stereotype of the stoic, emotionless man seems to be slowly changing. In fact, studies show that men who have gone through some kind of therapeutic process are more likely to feel comfortable with emotional self-expression and provide a safe space for others to be vulnerable with them.
• Modern dating practices. While many people have found healthy relationships through the apps, some relationship experts warn that certain aspects of modern dating threaten our ability to be vulnerable. For instance, the constant exposure to new potential matches can make it easier to bow out when we start to feel anxious opening up. The digital nature of modern dating is also a barrier to authentic connection and trust-building. After all, it’s not the same experience to be vulnerable over text as it would be in person, when partners can show care and understanding through body language.

Red flags of vulnerability in relationships

So far, we’ve talked about why vulnerability is so important and some of the common barriers to opening up with a new partner. And being aware of the role of vulnerability in new relationships can be an important way to know whether a new connection is emotionally safe and healthy. Here are a few red flags to keep an eye on when deciding whether to start becoming more vulnerable with a new partner:

Feeling judged when you share your emotions or opinions

To be sure, you and your partner aren’t going to have the same perspectives or opinions about everything. But that doesn’t mean that when you share your inner thoughts, it’s okay for the other person to judge or ridicule you. Instead, even when you share something that isn’t aligned with what your partner thinks or feels, they should be able to say something like,

• “I understand where you’re coming from.”
• “I hear what you’re saying.”
• “I can see why you think that way.”
• “I don’t agree, but I understand your perspective.”
• “Help me see things from your perspective.”

Overall, you’ll be able to tell if the other person is genuinely interested in empathizing with you rather than writing you off.

Not having patience for your vulnerability

Similarly to feeling judged about your vulnerability, it’s also a red flag if a partner doesn’t know how to give you the space to talk through your emotions or acts bored or bothered by your vulnerability. Some common things that a person might say to shut you down could be:

• “I’m just not good at the emotional stuff.”
• “I wish you would talk to someone else about these things.”
• “It makes me too sad to hear you talk about this.”
• “You’re being overly dramatic.”
• “I think you should just move on/let it go”
• “Can we talk about this later?”
• “You should keep that to yourself.”

Never moving past the getting-to-know-you stage

As we’ll discuss later on in this article, it’s normal for vulnerability to be a slow process in a new relationship. But if you and your partner never move towards more serious topics, it’s possible that one or both of you aren’t ready for emotional intimacy.

Of course, this is okay if you’re looking for a more casual connection. But if you want to build a long-term, committed bond, being unable to be vulnerable is a sign of future trouble.

Withdrawing after vulnerability

Sometimes, a person may open up only to regret doing so at a later time. Perhaps the conversation went well, but once they’re alone, their anxiety and tendency to overthink have them worrying that they shared too much or too soon. And, as a way to “right the psychological wrong,” their reaction might be to create emotional or physical distance in order to protect themself.

In some cases, this tendency to run away can be dealt with through good communication and care. But, if you notice that you or your partner has a habit of disappearing after an emotional conversation, consider it a sign that there is a lack of safety—either real or imagined—in the relationship.

Being too vulnerable too soon

You might find yourself on a first date with someone who tells you all of the intimate details about their childhood or past relationships, and you think to yourself, “Wow, how special that they feel comfortable being vulnerable with me.” Unfortunately, though, this could actually be a sign of unhealthy boundary-setting.

In fact, vulnerability too early on in a relationship can be a form of emotional manipulation, whether conscious or as a result of a subconscious desire for connection. And the accelerated bond that results can lead to a flood of feel-good chemicals in the brain that make it more difficult to identify red flags or personality incompatibilities.

While there is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to the right timeline for vulnerability, you’ll generally get a sense of when things are moving too fast.

Not keeping what you’ve shared between the two of you

Because vulnerability is so connected to trust, you should be able to expect that your partner won’t share what you’ve said to them in confidence with anyone else.

There may be some exceptions here. For instance, if you’ve shared something with a partner that makes them concerned for your well-being or safety, they may bring in a family member or friend for help.

Using the other person’s admissions as ammunition

Perhaps one of the most painful red flags around vulnerability is when a partner uses what the other person has shared against them at a later time. This can look like:

• Bringing up vulnerabilities as a way to win an argument.
• Making jokes about your vulnerabilities in order to bring down your self-confidence.
• Using your vulnerabilities to gaslight you. For instance, saying something like, “Well, you’re not a good judge of character based on what you’ve told me about your past relationships.”
• Conflating your past experiences with your personality or identity. For example, saying something like, “You’re a bad driver. You told me yourself that you felt responsible for that car accident.”

What to do if you recognize these red flags

Some of the red flags we’ve covered here aren’t deal-breakers for a healthy relationship. For instance, if you have a partner who tends to disappear after vulnerability, they may not actually realize they’re doing it. And they may be receptive to change after you have a conversation that reassures them that they can feel safe with you.

On the other hand, there are some red flags that should be considered more potentially dangerous. Anyone who ridicules your vulnerability or uses vulnerability as a manipulation tactic isn’t someone worth opening up to in the first place.

Steps to overcoming emotional walls

If you, yourself, struggle to be vulnerable in relationships, you might be wondering what it will take to break down that emotional wall. Here are a few things to keep in mind if you want more vulnerability in your relationships:

Write it out

One of the best things that you can start doing right now to tap into your emotional center is to write. Whether it’s poetry, stream of consciousness, or narrative form, writing about what you feel and have experienced will help you get comfortable putting your vulnerabilities into words.

Once you’ve learned how to write what you’re thinking or have gone through, you’ll find it much easier to say it out loud to another person.

Start opening up to people you know you can trust

This could be a friend who has been vulnerable with you in the past, a close family member, or someone else in your life who makes you feel safe to open up.

The idea here is not to dump all of your past traumas and mental health challenges onto the other person (doing so can lead to burnout). Instead, start small and see how you feel when this important person in your life gives you a safe space to express something personal.

For example, maybe you’re out to eat with a close friend and you realize that something on the menu is a dish that your aunt taught you to make before she passed away. You tell your friend that the dish always makes you think of your aunt, which makes your friend remember that their aunt has been going through a hard time, and they have to remember to call her. As you can see, this doesn’t have to be a very heavy or emotional exchange, but rather a small, tender moment that allows you to get more comfortable with vulnerability.

Consider therapy

As we said, sharing too many vulnerable details with your close friends and family can lead to burnout. But, luckily, there’s an alternative: therapy! A trained, licensed therapist is there to help you tap into your vulnerabilities in a healthy, safe, and validating way.

The key, of course, is to find a therapist who makes you feel understood and validated so that you can become more comfortable opening up and expressing yourself. When you start therapy, it can be helpful to tell your mental health professional that you’d like to work on being more vulnerable in your relationships.

Try vulnerability in other forms

Some people find it easier to tap into their emotional side through mediums that don’t involve talking. For example, artistic practices such as painting, filmmaking, music, and other forms of expression are effective ways to explore your emotions without necessarily putting them into words.

Listen to your gut

As you start practicing being more vulnerable, one of the best things you can do is be selective about who is deserving of getting to know your inner emotional side. As we’ve mentioned in this article, vulnerability is a risk, and while it’s great to get more comfortable opening up to people, you’ll also want to protect yourself against the red flags we’ve covered. So, as you start practicing vulnerability with friends or expressing yourself through art or dating someone new, don’t forget that you can put up boundaries with people who make you feel unsafe.

How to be there for your partner’s vulnerability

Whether you’re dating someone new or want to bring more vulnerability into your existing relationship, it will be important that you not only express yourself but also allow for your partner to do the same. There are a few ways to help your partner feel comfortable being vulnerable with you:

Tell them you want to be more vulnerable with one another

Having a conversation about wanting to invite more openness into your relationship can sometimes be just what you need to create a safe space for vulnerability!

Don’t only wait to be vulnerable after they’ve initiated

It’s not enough to tell your partner, “I want us to be more open with one another,” and then wait for them to kick things off. Instead, show your partner they’re safe by being brave enough to take the risk yourself.

Allow them the space to fully express what they need to

When it is your partner’s turn to share, make sure that you give them the space to do so freely. This means active listening by making eye contact and using open body language, and not interrupting or finishing their sentence.

It can also be helpful to ask neutral follow-up questions that invite them to share further. Some phrases for inviting further exploration can be, “I’d like to hear more about that,” or “What were the aftereffects of that?”

Don’t judge or come to conclusions

The reality is, it’s quite possible that your partner will share things with you that make you feel uncomfortable. You might even see them differently the more that you get to know them on a deeper level.

But, instead of jumping to conclusions or making assumptions, see if you can simply listen and take your time absorbing the information. Later, you’ll be able to decide whether the new information is something you can accept and love about your partner or if it will affect your ability to have a relationship with them.

Offer to take breaks

It can be very tiring to lay your emotions bare to another person, so make sure that you’re giving yourselves time for levity and fun, as well. In fact, it will be easier to be vulnerable with one another if you know that you can fluidly move from serious conversations to more light-hearted ones.

Thank your partner for opening up

You’d be amazed at how powerful it can be to say “thank you for sharing that with me” after your partner has told you something deeply personal. Not only is it a good way to remind your partner that you’re actively listening, but it also acknowledges and validates the difficulty of being vulnerable.

In many instances, a simple thank you can be more impactful than a response.

Will you be inviting more vulnerability in relationships moving forward?

We’ve covered a lot about vulnerability in this article: how it manifests in relationships, why it can foster deeper connection, and what healthy sharing looks like. And, whether you’ve considered yourself comfortable with opening up or are looking to connect more with your emotional side, we hope that you can see how vulnerability in relationships can be a huge asset to healthier, happier partnerships!