From Bitterness to Bliss: Overcoming Jealousy in My Sugar Dynamic

So, I’m a Virgo and my sugar daddy is a Scorpio, which in general makes us a pretty compatible pair. Except on the issue of jealousy.

On the one hand, I know that my star sign can be low-key jealous. We’re possessive overthinkers who take everything personally and need constant reassurance. But we also tend to be pretty self-aware and know when our jealous tendencies need to be checked.

On the other hand, when I first started dating my sugar daddy, Alex, it was clear that he didn’t realize just how much his Scorpio jealousy was out of control. When he felt threatened, he wouldn’t say anything about it to me, but would just start acting differently until I had to guess what was wrong—and it was usually something to do with jealousy.

Let me give you an example. Pretty early on in our relationship, he invited me on a road trip. He was going to be driving from LA to San Francisco for a week and offered to have me join him so that we could spend his free time trying new restaurants and shopping and, of course, going to a Giants game. The plan was to break up the trip into two days each way so that we could spend a romantic night in Monterey and Morro Bay.

As you can see, the trip sounded great. And we had spent enough time together that I felt safe being in a car alone with him. Plus, we had been getting along well enough that I actually felt like we would probably have a pretty great time.

What Alex didn’t tell me was that his ex-wife, Talia, would be hitching a ride with us for the first three hours of the trip. Apparently, she asked him if he would drive her up to her family home in San Luis Obispo (she would drive back down with her sister a week later.) He told me this as we were on the way to pick her up, which of course left me feeling surprised and blindsided.

Now, I know that sugar relationships can be kind of messy, and as sugar babies, we’re not supposed to judge or take things like this personally. The whole idea is to let go of traditional notions of what it means to be in a relationship and let people do what makes them happy. But, at the same time, you know, I have my jealous side. And I felt a certain way about being the “new girlfriend.” Plus, I had seen pictures of his ex and I knew that she was gorgeous. Not to mention the fact that Alex definitely still had feelings for her (otherwise, why would he offer to drive her?)

So, keeping all of this in mind, I felt weird, but I was willing to make the most of it. His ex got in the car, and it was my first time meeting her, so I did my best to make it comfortable. I mean, we were going to be spending three hours together, and I didn’t want to start off the trip on an awkward footing. So, I was super nice and we ended up hitting it off.

Actually, like, it was kind of scary how well we got along.

Talia and I are around the same age, and it turns out that we both played soccer in college and might have even played against each other without knowing it. We liked the same reality TV. We teamed up to convince Alex to stop for donuts, even though he didn’t want to stop. It was going really well. And the whole time, Alex and I were holding hands or he had his hand on my thigh, so it was a huge relief to realize that any feelings of jealousy were fading away. Alex himself was really quiet, but I figured that he was just focused on driving.

So, we finally pulled into Talia’s house in San Luis Obispo, and Alex popped out to help her with her bags. Her sister came out and gave him a big hug, which, I’ll admit, did bring those feelings of jealousy back to the surface—it was a reminder that he had been a part of this family and had a whole life before me. Talia and I shared a big hug of our own, and she told Alex that she was going to be asking for my contact information. And then, she made a joke that would bring everything crashing down:

“Careful, Alex. I might just steal her from you.”

Now, I guess this would be as good a time as any to mention that I consider myself to be straight, but I’ve had sugar mommas before, Alex. And Alex knows this. And, it also never seemed to bother him until exactly this moment.

I felt the energy change as soon as we got back into the car.

Now, I didn’t know Alex all that well, but I did know that he was a classic Scorpio, through and through. So, I said to him, “Look, that was kind of a messed-up joke, but it was just a joke at the end of the day. I agreed to a monogamous relationship with you, and I have zero plans to give that up. I think this, you and me, is going really well, and if I clicked with your ex, it’s only because I wanted to make things less awkward. But if you were to ask me, I would have preferred that this had just been you and me from the beginning. You didn’t even ask me if I was okay with her coming along. So, like, it would be kind of unfair for you to blame me for being friendly in a weird situation that you created.”

He was quiet, but I could tell that the message was sinking in. And, I knew that he was more angry with his ex and with himself than he was with me. But, I also know that you can’t force a Scorpio to let things go before they’re ready.

One thing that we Virgos are great at is not backing down, either. Luckily, the silence didn’t last too long before Alex reached over to grab my hand.

“There’s no way in hell I’m giving her your number,” he said jokingly.

“It’s fine, now I know where she lives.” I countered.

We both laughed, and I gave his hand a squeeze.

The rest of the trip was amazing, and the conflict right at the beginning honestly made everything easier.

Whenever I talk to other sugar babies who are dealing with jealousy in their relationships, I always tell this story. In particular, I think there were a couple of things that made the conflict resolution successful:

• Not getting emotional, myself. All I wanted to do when we got back in the car was yell at Alex for putting me in an uncomfortable situation and then getting mad at me for being my friendly, bubbly self with his ex. But I stayed calm and explained my perspective rationally.
• Allowing Alex the time to cool down without pushing him. For an overthinker like me, silence is tough. And I had a million things running through my head like, “is the whole trip ruined?” or “am I going to have to fly home?” or “is my sugar relationship over?” But I knew that Alex needed time to get clarity.
• Standing my ground when I felt like I had been wronged. Alex was definitely in the wrong for inviting his ex and not giving me a heads-up, and I wanted to make it clear that it wasn’t okay with me. I wasn’t about to apologize for something that wasn’t my fault.
• Using humor as a way to diffuse the situation. At the end of the day, an apology would have been nice. But I was willing to smooth things over with a joke, instead. I knew that he had learned his lesson and wouldn’t be making the same mistake again, so being able to laugh about it was the reconciliation that we needed.

Overall, jealousy can be a tough subject to navigate in a sugar relationship, and I think it’s something that we should talk about more often because it’s so common. My advice is that when you notice jealousy coming up in your relationship, it’s best to have an honest conversation about it as soon as possible!