Secrets, Stigma, and Support: Navigating Family Reactions When Conservative Parents Discovered Our Sugar Arrangement

My sister told me that it would be a terrible idea to bring my sugar daddy to the family dinner. And I think if you were to ask me if she was right during the dinner party that revealed everything and started absolute chaos, I would have said yes. But now that things have settled down and I’m able to see the good and the bad…. well, okay, maybe I would still say yes. But ultimately, I’m glad that it happened.

Let me set the scene for you. My grandmother was celebrating a birthday, and all of her kids, my siblings, and cousins were invited. We’re a pretty big family, so there’s inevitably going to be drama. An uncle who gets a little too drunk, over here. A cousin who smells like body odor because he’s addicted to the gym, over there. An aunt who can’t sit next to another aunt at the dinner table because they’re going to bicker about something that happened in ‘86.

So, I kind of thought that even if it would seem a little bit scandalous that I would be bringing a boyfriend who is a little bit older than me (okay, like 15 years older than me), it probably wouldn’t even be the most dramatic thing that would happen. Plus, we’re an old-school religious kind of family, which means that we won’t outwardly confront anyone. We’ll just wait until the party is over to start talking about the events of the evening on the car ride home.

Now, my sister was the only one who knew that I had a sugar daddy. For everyone else in the family, I would be introducing Smith as my boyfriend. We were going to say that we met on a dating app. We were going to say a few white lies about his job so that they wouldn’t know exactly how much he made. And, hopefully, we would get through the night without much of a fuss. Smith was doing this as a favor for me, really. My family had gotten the hint that I was dating someone, and they absolutely wouldn’t let up until I brought him to dinner. So, I told him, we would just have to do it this one time, and then I could make up excuses as to why he couldn’t come for the rest of our relationship.

Something important to know is that my grandma is as smart as a whip. She’s totally lucid, even though she sometimes pretends that she’s not. And the minute she met Smith, I think she understood the dynamic. But she didn’t let on right away.

Another thing to know about my grandma is that she’s as traditional as they come. She holds strong to her values about women and the sanctity of marriage. And I spent a lot of my childhood trying to convince her that I was behaving as a young lady should. She would probably have a meltdown if she ever saw how I acted in my sorority in college.

Anyway, the initial introductions were fine. The start of any family dinner at my grandma’s house is always chaotic and loud. And very soon after arriving, my mom had me in the kitchen prepping the salad while she shooed Smith into the living room, where my uncles were watching football. That’s not really Smith’s vibe (he stood out like a sore thumb), but what can you do? He would only have to suffer for a few hours. At least no one would be asking him any questions.

I, on the other hand, was fielding question after question about where I met Smith and what he did for work and how long we’ve been seeing each other. Once the initial questions were adequately answered, my aunts felt comfortable asking more uncomfortable questions, like whether he had any kids and if those kids were around my age. They asked if he was divorced and whether he was on the hook for alimony.

In a word, I was starting to feel sweaty. So, I finished up my duties as quickly as possible and excused myself to go check on Smith.

To my surprise, Smith wasn’t with the men of the family. He had somehow managed to mosey onto the back porch, where my grandma was sitting. She was telling him all about the different birds that came into the yard and what she used to keep the deer out of her rose bushes. I was fully panicking, but Smith saw me looking through the window and gave me a wink.

I went back to setting the table so that we could hopefully move this party along.

Once we had sat everyone down and said grace, I felt like I could finally breathe a little bit. At least everyone would be more focused on eating than talking for a little while.

But, as I said, there’s always that one drunk uncle who comes in and ruins the peace, and that’s when my Uncle Steven said, “So Smith, what are your intentions with our girl, Kaley, here? Other than, you know, paying her rent and taking her on all-expense paid vacations to Hawaii?”

Uncle Steven’s wife pinched the back of his arm to get him to shut up and gave me an embarrassed but also stern look.

“We overheard your sister saying something about all this to Marcy, and we couldn’t help but have some follow-up questions.” Marcy, my cousin, and my sister had their eyes glued to their plates.

Now it was my mother’s eyes on me: “Kaley, is this some kind of an arranged situation? Is this man really paying your living expenses?”

My face was redder than the beets in the beet salad in front of me, and I couldn’t bear to look over at Smith, who must have been livid at me for bringing him into this hornet’s nest.

“Our relationship is a private thing between Smith and me. I don’t feel like I have to—”

But another aunt cut me off, “It absolutely is not a private thing when you’re living in this town with our last name and making it harder for every other young girl in this family to be taken seriously when you’re a sugar baby. How are we supposed to go to church after this?”

Smith tried to say something about our relationship being completely above board and that he wasn’t married or anything like that, but the family had already turned on him. It was no use. People were talking over each other. I wanted to sink into the floor.

Then, my grandmother, at the head of the table, waved her hand, and the room fell silent.

“I have something to say,” she said, and we waited for her to take her sweet time taking a sip of water and clearing her throat.

“When I was young, this relationship between the two of you would have been a marriage. And it would be a perfectly fine marriage, even with the age difference. You all know that I’m a good judge of character, and I spent enough time with this man to see that he’s good. Kaley, I didn’t have a job when I met your grandfather, and he took care of me for six months until our wedding. And no one batted an eye. And then he continued to take care of the family, this family, until he passed. Now, I know that things are different nowadays. I don’t know if you, Smith, are looking to marry Kaley, and Kaley, my advice would be that you delay getting married as long as you possibly can. In the meantime, whatever happens between the two of you is your business. Other people are always going to have something to say. But all I see is a sweet couple who aren’t harming anyone.”

And with that, my grandma picked up her fork and started to eat. The discussion was over.

Overall, my grandma giving her blessing wasn’t enough to smooth over every disagreement and disapproval that my family had. For the most part, I just ignored the judgment and gave my aunts time to cool off. I also forgave my sister and my cousin for exposing us. They hadn’t done it on purpose, and they felt terrible afterward.

But with my mom, I needed to do some damage control. I know she was hurt that I felt like I couldn’t be honest about the dynamic between Smith and me, and felt like she had somehow failed as a mother since I looked for a sugar daddy before going to her for financial help. I told her that I wanted to be independent and that I genuinely liked Smith and wanted to continue the relationship. Ultimately, she didn’t fully understand, but she told me that she would respect my decision and pray for my relationship with Smith.

The reality is, being treated as an outsider in my conservative family for being a sugar baby hasn’t always been easy. But it’s teaching me how to be independent and strong. I am happy with myself and what I’ve done to make sure I’m financially thriving. And someday, I’m going to be the matriarch of my very own family, just like my grandma. And just like her, no one will be able to tell me anything!