What Does Submarining Mean?

Submarining is a behavior where a person cuts off all contact in a dating or relationship context without warning or explanation and then reappears months later, acting as if nothing has happened. This reappearance often comes without any acknowledgment of the time apart. The person who initiates submarining does not give a reason for their sudden absence when they return.

Comparison to Other Behaviors

Submarining is often discussed alongside ghosting and a behavior known as zombieing. When someone ghosts, they leave and do not come back. Zombieing involves a person returning with a brief excuse for being away. In submarining, the person returns and behaves as though they never left, with no mention of the disappearance or any attempt to explain.

Common Patterns

People who submarine will often build a connection through dates or frequent talking. The pattern includes suddenly leaving without any message. When they return, it is usually through a simple greeting or casual message. They behave as though the absence did not happen.

Effects on the Other Person

Submarining can leave others feeling unsettled, confused, and sometimes upset. The person who was left may struggle to understand why the contact stopped. When the one who left reappears without acknowledging what happened, it can create feelings of uncertainty and mistrust. Some people describe frustration or anxiety when this occurs.

Expert Advice

Relationship advisors recommend being cautious if someone reappears after submarining. They suggest that people take time to decide if they wish to respond. When responding, it can help to state how the disappearance affected them. Setting personal boundaries is also advised, as the behavior might happen again.

Where Submarining Happens

Submarining can happen after a few dates. It also occurs in longer dating relationships when one partner disappears. Sometimes, this pattern is seen in friendships or non-romantic relationships. In some cases, a person may return after an absence of many months or even longer.

Insights from Social Media

Users of social media often share stories about being submarined. Posts describe confusion or disappointment when someone comes back as if nothing happened. There are discussions about how to respond and tips for dealing with these situations, such as being honest and direct.

Examples

A person may go out several times with someone they met online, only to have that person stop replying with no warning. After several months, the person returns with a casual message like "Hey, how are you?" In other cases, someone may end all contact in a longer-term relationship, then reappear as if nothing has changed.

Possible Psychological Causes

There is no dedicated research on submarining. Some experts suggest the behavior points to difficulty with communication or commitment. Others believe it may indicate someone is not comfortable with emotional discussions, or they may not want to face conflict.

Dealing with Submarining

Counselors and relationship writers encourage open and honest conversation if someone wants to reconnect. They suggest stating how the sudden absence felt and asking about the reasons for returning. They argue that clear communication can help avoid confusion.

Summary of Views

Writers and experts often agree that submarining is a confusing behavior for those who experience it. While some encounter it only once, others report seeing it more often. Many say it is helpful to focus on their own mental well-being and clarity about their expectations if this occurs.